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HOLY HUMOR

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Can you imagine a nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY  SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW  THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL  TEST.
                 
KIDS  WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE  FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY  CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED   OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATHOFF.

2.  ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE . NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR  OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A    BALL OF FIRE DURING THE  NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD  PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH  UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO  LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE  PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE    APOSTLES. 

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO  THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS  BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS

8. THE  EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS,  MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT   CYANIDE TO GET THE  TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED  BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS  IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12.  THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS  SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID S  SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 
 
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE  MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17.  JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSEMARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN    THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19.  JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN  DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN  JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE    OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE  LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24.  ST.. PAUL CAVORTED TO  CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER  NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
     
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

*****

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

 

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
 

 

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
 

 

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
 

 

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
 

 

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
 

 

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
 

 

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
 

 

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
 

 

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." 

 

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!