Talk About a Tough Housing Market?
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!
THE INDIAN AND THE BUFFALO
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.'
The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
The Indian smiles and proudly says...'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
A Picture For Grandma...
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle.. it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma
I Called Lifeline
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, the messed up government, etc...I called Lifeline.
I got a freakin'call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Suggested Modification from the German Pope
in the Catholic Mass
Product Test Study
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I pass gas the room smells awesome
(This was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren .... PRICELESS!
"How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist"
His name is: "YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN
Children Are Special!
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Preservation of Youth
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above, sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. " Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends, I pop pills and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.
Stephanie on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
Stephanie was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because...Her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.
And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
'That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
It is said that English is a tough lanquage to learn...and understand...For Example:
Mexican Words Of The Day
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
When all my family get in the car there's not mushroom.
My fren wants 2 become a citizen, but she didn't know how to read, so I, shoulder.
4. * Texas *
When I'm not home, my fren always Texas me, she wonders where I am!
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece Then She got herpes.
Ju told me ju were going to tha store But ju went to see sum guy. July to me! Julyer!
I had 2 cars But my wife rectum!
I was going to go to the store with my wife but She said chicken go herself.
9. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
10. * Bishop *
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
11. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club But no body wash my kids.
That women has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean.."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own atleast four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
11. your cousin is president of the United States
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
Meet Coldwater !
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases:
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
Let's take a look at New Orleans
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division. Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...What does it mean?
A. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, and child) You each get $516,528.
B. Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or... If you are a family of four...Your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington , D. C HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax(Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Hunting License Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Marriage License Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Recreational Vehicle Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone FederalUniversal Service FeeTax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...And our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt... We had the largest middle class in the world... and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'
Horseback Riding Can Be Dangerous!
A 30-year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time.
With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello!
Just Watching the World Around Us!
They Say Competition is Good?
And the Winner is...UPS!
Just Follow the Directions!
A Depressed Area?
Creativity at It's Best!
Another Lesson in Life
Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.
In the process, we end up in trouble...
And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a
situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should
Not everyone who shows up...
Is there to help you!
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London.One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
Another National Statistic
What Women Want in a Man:
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I want in a man, revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I want in a man, revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I want in a man, revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8 Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I want in a man, revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I want in a man, revised list (age 72)
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
98% of all drivers when sliding off the road in a snowstorm yell "Oh Sh#@"
The remaining 2% of drivers, all from Wisconsin, yell
"Hold my Beer and Watch This!
Make Note: Never Anger A Man Who Owns A Backhoe!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I inquire as to what the turkey did?"
Big Sale at Home Depot!
On Lazy MAN Recliners
The Ten Commandments
Some people have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall nots' in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, in the South they translated the 'King James' ....... no joke! (Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN )
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' afore God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple.
Y'all have a nice day, now, ya hear?
An Oldie, But Goodie!
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page
on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog.
The Redneck Challenge
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart-alecky Yankee to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn'tchya?
It's okay if'n y'all didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya, there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece .... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them. That's our Taxi Service down south!
The Economic Stimulus Success Story
We taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers...
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, your money will go to China .
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.
Instead, you can keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. going to baseball or football games, or
3. hiring prostitutes, or
4. buying cheap beer or Coke
5. getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly American-owned businesses still operating in the US .
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
Makes perfectly good sense to me...
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
My Ex-Wife, The Pilot
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final,later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.
The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was really lucky.
An incredible Story of Luck and Inspiration!
If this does not touch your heart,
then you just don't have one.
see...Good things still happen!
Can you believe it?
This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday,
and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK!
The Challenged Senior...
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl,Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of
those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't
matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."
Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
The Golfer and the Dentist
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist,
"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said,
"Open your mouth Honey, and show him which tooth hurts.
My Reality Check - and I Got a Ticket Too!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my
pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a
Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back
out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the
harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys,eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanket.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
After church, Little Robbie, tells his parents he has to go talk to the pastor right away. They were very excited and took Robbie to the church to see the pastor. When the pastor arrived, Robbie said: "I heard you say today that our bodies came from dust."
The pastor replied, "That's right, Robbie, I did."
Robbie went on, "And, you said that when we die, our bodies go back to dust ."
"Yes", replied the pastor. "I'm so happy to hear how attentive you were! Why do you ask?"
"Well", said Robbie, "you had better come over to our house right away and look under my bed because there's something either coming or going!"
Thought for the Day!
Little Johnny's at it again!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy'. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
Be Careful of Old Ladies Traveling in Packs!
Woody is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again .....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
It's a Cat's World in Heaven!
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates..
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!
Special thanks to
Rhonda Entwistle of St. Peters, Missouri;
Ed Byers of O'Fallon, Missouri, Dewey Crapo (whereabouts unknown)
Barney Tharp of Kentucky Sam Blair of Maine and
Lois April of Troy, Missouri
for these hunorous contributions!
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally,the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,and I wanted to stay with you guys. '
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied,'Because people are sleeping.'
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?'the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,'Did God throw him back down? '
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,'Would you like to say the blessing? '
'I wouldn't know what to say,'the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,'the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
Pictures Say It All
An Inspiration for All Retired People!
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Sclumberg is such a person.
"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine."
FLU... To avoid it... Eat right!
`Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
`Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
`Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system..
`Walk for at least an hour a day,
`Go for a swim,
`Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
`Wash your hands often. If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
`Get lots of fresh air.
`Open doors & windows whenever possible.
`Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
`Get plenty of rest.
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol...
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, Flu germs Can't get you!
As my grandmother always said, 'A shot in the glass is better than one in the butt!'
Have You Ever Danced?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back... The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's patoot?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
I just love a story with a happy ending..
If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category and you also have a child or a visiting small child please take this as a warning.
Don't leave your dog with a small child unattended under any circumstances!
Only one little moment was enough for the following to happen.
See the photo below ...
Recessional Changes in the Corporate Structure
Oh Those Cute Little Darlings!
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, I know why you and daddy got a divorce..'
'Oh really?' the mother asks.'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Important Health Issue Resolved With Home Remedy:
I wanted to pass this along to you. At one time or another I have had or done ALL of these side effects. What about you?
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing...
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Please share this with other's who may need Margaritas.
No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum!
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.
The True Southerners' Almanac Info.........
What Are Grits?
Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1,000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea.
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity.
The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife.
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy .
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. [Use milk and they are creamier!)
Add 5 Tbsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause cancer, rotten teeth, etc., etc. ----
Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ratio of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt. [Count correctly before cooking]).
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. (DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)
Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits
(Leftover grits are extremely rare.)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.
(Note: Slices can also be dipped into beaten egg and fried.)
IRISH BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS:
May the Lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu...
It’s just Spam.
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shxx!' cried the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center...
Things We Wish We Could Say At the Office
Try These Out On Those Annoying Co-Workers
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of @#!.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate youRself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the brilliance fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a ...
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got lots of Karma to burn.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a friggin people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humor, but different...
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .....1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand...then place it over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don't let your mind wander, it’s too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
51. Don't believe everything you think.
52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.
The South - You Gotta Love It
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck."Where' s Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "He'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
The Difference Between the North and South
The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained....
The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General .
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .
North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .
Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.
Oh, the Joy of Children!
Some of those memorable moments…
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six..'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read : 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon.....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
From Those Church Bulletins
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan Last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
Just a Tap on the Shoulder
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Test Your Intelligence!
This is a quiz for people who know everything. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing
2.. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls - The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
What’s the Difference Between Grandma’s and Grandpa’s
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers & Grandfathers? Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his Granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Grandpa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb XXXXXXX, dip ???? or horse's /// anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it....
The Arrogant Boss
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this story...... Arcelor-Metal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO and he was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy at the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make about $400 a week. Why.'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!' The guy left without saying a word to the CEO. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? ' From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
Proud to be from Missouri
PHONES IN CHURCH ?
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute.."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, Chicago, Milwaukee, and many cities and towns all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Missouri, upon entering a church in the beautiful Ozark region of Missouri, behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents"
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"
I love this part ...
The pastor, smiling broadly, replied, "Son, you're in Missouri now ... You're in God's Country. It's a local call."
American by Birth - Missourian by the Grace of God.
And why do Missourians go barefoot: When you're in Missouri you're on Holy ground!
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?” It's been flickering for weeks now.
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so.”
Then the wife asks, “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right” to which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse
written on my forehead? I don't think so.”
“Fine,” she says. “Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.”
“I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps,” he says, “Does it look like I have
ACE Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.”
“I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
“Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either snuggle with him or bake a cake.”
He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake?”
She replied, Hellooooo? Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!